A Parody of an England Football Player

I am an England Football Player , burp. I get a lot of dosh don't I , you know what I mean, cos I am famous, I am idolised like, you know what I mean. I get to open fetes, stores and my picture is in all those papers and magazines as well as on all those football computer games, that I can't play. Well I have a bash, but , well they are hard arn't they, know what I mean. Well cos I am stashed with cash cos of Sky tv, and those nice marketing men, I get all the good looker birds, I got all the cars, Porsches, Ferrari's, Bemtley's, Aston Martins well you gotta spend the money somewhere aint yer. Mate of mine had a birthday party so I bought the bubbbly £10,000 and a £1,000 tip to the waiter, well why not. Its hard work being a celebrity like, I mean a footballer like me, cos you have to play every weekend, sometimes twice a week, running around for an hour and a half. Christ even worse if your mate gives you the ball, and you have to do something with it, blimey, we are worth every penny, look at the trophies we win, our fans adore me. I get mobbed going to the corner shop for a pack of fags and some lager you know, the fans worship me you know what I mean. I am a household name, famous me everyone knows who I am like, know what I mean.
Anyway I scored a blinder the other Saturday at the Bridge, no not with a tart, no from a corner. Ball came over hit me on the head as I'm standing there, wham straight in the net, what a winner, all the team jumped on top of me, did you see it, we got on on blue ray HD, you must have seen it on Match of the Day, I have the highlights recorded, my goal is on play back 5 times, the missus knows how to play the thing back so I can watch it time and again and see how great I was.
So I am often asked what it feels like to be in the Premier League and being a Premier Player, and my agent and those nice marketing men help me answer, cos they have all the GCSEs dont they, you know I just kick the ball with me right foot, thats what I am paid for, I dont get paid for kicking the ball with me left foot else I'd get double pay wouldn't I lol see funny that aint it joke, laugh then, thats a creaser aint it huh. Anyways, where was I , oh the question, what was it, tricky one , oh yeah, what was it like. Well it's great aint it, getting paid a fortune for what you did as a kid in the park after school. As long as people dont take it serious like, cos its only football. You know, its just a way of earning loads of money haha, while I can, and spend it on lots of luxuries, is that how you spell luxuries, yeah I spelt checked it on this computer ha ha, see I aint thick, like some people reckon I am.

Anyway I was asked about this World Cup in South Africa. Nice country South Africa aint been there before, nice hotels, nice food, saw some Giraffes and Elephants you know on one of those safari trips, Oh the result, well we were all tired long season you know, best league in the world, our games are televised all over the world, people know me all over the world. Yeah tired well its exhauting aint it, training 2 hours a day, then we have all the afternoon free time till dinner, Manager is strict we have to go to bed, its all tiring, then you got the game you know what I mean. Hard those games. I like it just running around looking good , you know me kit me hair, me complexion, for those photographers then doing a real nifty long pass that goes off and shouting that the player at the receiver end should have got it, burk. You know those photos get on all the packs in the supermarkets all the kids know me they idolise me, my picture is on their bedroom walls, I am a super hero to them like.
So, we lost, well its a game , we cant all be winners, anyway look at the manager and the team he selected, it werent down to me its team effort mate, and the media they always get at us, if we lose so do the supporters. Who cares we will win next game back at our clubs and be heroes again for them, They will forget about all this, just beaten by better team, you know what I mean, yeah there will always be mistakes, what about the referee. OK if thats over cos its time for me to play a round of golf with my mates and there's a new tart behind the bar at the club house. Also I gotta get me garage to pump up my back tyre. You what, oh you want an autograph yeah , where you want it luv across your boobs, only kidding, well if you insist, actually I have a bit more time than I thought......................

Lowering of the Flag

My England Flag came down in my front garden at 5pm Sunday 27th June after Germany thrashed England 4-1.

Yes I know Lampard's free kick shot off the bar and the shot that crossed the goal line for everyone to see except a referee and a linesman. Yes I know Sepp Blatter wants to keep football as it was invented in the Victorian era before cameras and technolgy.


BUT BUT BUT, where was our defence, where was any player wearing 3 lions on a shirt.

England were spineless, England were a disgrace.

Fabio Capello has to resign or be sacked. His team selection is the reason he should go. For example you go 4-1 down and you take off Defoe who can score and replace him with Heskey who does not score. Englands' midfield and back four were non existant, Germany could have scored more but for David James.

England have let down their travelling fans and the nation. The defending today was schoolboy stuff on a recreation ground. England had no shape and were run ragged. They were outplayed in every single position.

There has to be an inquest.

Wright Philips was good once, not now. Heskey should be put out to pasture. Rooney has been a failure for England, a total failure.

Capello persisted with the same players each game, even when they performed badly and did not gell as a team. Big Mistake Capello, big mistake.

Fabio Fabulouso ??

A rumour going around Rustenburg is that the Capello's uncanny resemblance to Postman Pat has been noticed in the supporters camps. If we don't win the World Cup there will be endless jokes about his failure to deliver.


His former Job !! :

Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat and his black and white cat,
Early in the morning,
Just as day is dawning,
He picks up all the post bags in his van.
Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat and his black and white cat,
All the birds are singing,
And the day is just beginning,
Pat feels he's a really happy man.
Everybody knows, his bright red van,
All his friends will smile as he waves to greet them,
Maybe,
You can never be sure,
They'll be knock,
Ring,
Letters through your door,
Hay hay,
Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat and his black and white cat,
All the birds are singing,
And the day is just beginning,
Pat feels he's a really happy man,
Pat feels he's a really happy man,
Pat feels he's a really happy man


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ-CQEF5Or4

Germany Yet Again

So a much improved England got through and now The Germans loom on the next front.

"New and Improved" sounds like a washing powder, but England could have not got worse than their hitherto gutless perfomances.

Still Rooney and Lampard fail to deliver. I would put them on the bench on Sunday afternoon. Joe Cole came on and played out of position, Heskey is another passenger.

But the other 9 players were worth their place to varying degrees, we got through, it would have been more but for the Slovenian Goalkeeper.

I think the biggest contributors were the England supporters. No other nation has out matched the vuvuzelas for decibel level. Well done England and well done their loyal singing and chanting barmy army.

England World Cup Team are clueless

World Cup 2010: Wayne Rooney blasts booing England fans

England striker Wayne Rooney shouts "nice to see your home fans booing" to a TV camera as he walks off the pitch after the 0-0 draw against Algeria.

Rooney has an absolute cheek. He failed. His country and those paying supporters deserved more from him and his team mates. It is Rooney who should be ashamed and apologise. Over paid hypocrit.



What do you think of it so far.....RUBBISH !!

No purpose, no belief, no endeavour.

3 lions on a shirt or are they 3 mangy cats, this England performance 0-0 against Algeria was pathetic in Cape Town.

Some of the highest paid so called professional players in the world, when they put on an England shirt they are insipid.

I am so angry at the way they let down all those supporters who travelled 6,000 miles for that inept performance. They have also let down the flag waving streets in this country.

In truth they don't deserve a word, a mention, because they were abject failures tonight. This article only serves to release my venom at them for a pathetic poor performance.

Heskey, 4 out of 10, poor, no point in trying harder , this is it from him, should not be there on the pitch.

Rooney, can't pass, can't get involved, can't deliver, drop him, yes drop Wayne Rooney for the Slovenia game.

Lampard, waste of space, another useless performance.

Johnson, poor defending.

Gerrard, not firing on all 4 cylinders.

David James safe reliable, thank god Capello did not pick Green again. Now Capello be brave. Players that don't perform, don't pick them for the MUST win Slovenia game.

Team for Wednesday should be:

David James,

Johnson, Dawson, Terry, Ashley Cole

Lennon , Gerrard, Barry, Joe Cole

Defoe, Crouch


Stick with the players that have let you down Capello and get the next flight home. Hopeless.

44 years of hurt never stopped me dreaming

One of my passions is football. I played it for 40 odd years. I did not win much just the odd in house tournament I organised, well if you can't win those what can you win. I was always resolute in defence, took no prisoners if they still had the ball. I was Captain most of the time, cos I led by example. It even cost me a broken leg eventually and plaster up to my groin for 6 months, but not before I had inflicted similar in fever pitched battles. I even subjected my family to the worse breakfast service in our 2nd week holiday in Minorca, after I had brought down the Head Waiter in a cloud of dust at a local stadium where I organised the tourists versus the hotel staff England v Spain, and we won, but the Head Waiter was not a happy chappy nor a happy signor.

So playing football, watching Tottenham Hotspur and England has been an anual event of hope and despair an emotional roller coaster. Yes, you can't win them all (why not), but it is nice to win sometimes.

The trouble with football today is that since Sky TV bought the TV rights to show games and then sell them around the world with the Premier League, professional footballers have become over paid prima donnas, achieving celebrity status often without delivering the goods. after all we are talking about a job here that is 90 minutes a week if that, for kicking a round thing in between two white posts and a crossbar and you have 10 mates helping you, with a similar number opposing you. For that you can command £100,000 a game if you are any good, or even if you are rubbish some weeks and fail to perform for just 90 minutes a week. Compare that with any other job, huh !!!

But football is in my blood and without a blood transfusion will be there till I die. There are many in football that have the passion to succeed, there are many that just try to do enough to get by, like in any walk of life.

Today's blog is prompted by what happened last night in South Africa, the World Cup, where England played their first game in their league group. Not since 1966 have we won the world cup. In that final we had certain players who literally run their socks off for their country and their Manager Sir Alf Ramsey. We had brilliant players, Gordon Banks was probably the best goalkeeper in the world, Bobby Moore the best defender in the world, Alan Ball the youngest and best midfield dynamo in the world. They did not need huge sums to play, they had huge hearts. Alas the latter two are already dead. Will their surviving team mates, 3 lions on a shirt, see the new England win the same competition. I hope so, they are among the richest in the world, so maybe they should beat the world.

Last night's not so hopeful verdict:

The Green Green Grass of Home

Once again a nation expects. The flags are flying in every street. In a game we gave to the world, we now compete with the world’s best. But now we watch in hope and often despair, supporting England is a roller coaster ride every game. We used to be the best, we used to produce the best, but now the teacher cannot beat the up and coming pupil.

We used to produce the best goalkeepers the world had ever seen, Gordon Banks, Ray Clemence, Peter Shilton. Now the need and the greed necessary to survive every week in the Premier League means all our top clubs have foreign goalkeepers, and we are left to chose from relegated or near relegated clubs for that vital roll between the posts. We chose goalkeepers who week in week out are used to picking the ball out of the back of the net. Yes every goalkeeper can make a howler, and when they do it is calamitous because they are the last line of defence. Indeed England goalkeepers have made gross mistakes on the world’s stage before and cost their Manager their jobs. However, Green’s mistake last night allowing a long range hope full punt from Dempsey to give USA an equaliser was the same mistake as his name and his colour shirt. It was a schoolboy error not out of the coaching manuals. How any defender could have confidence in him thereafter is unbelievable just like his handling. Yes football is a team game, but some positions are more vital than others. It is no good saying he redeemed himself in the 2nd half with one save that after all was really saved by the woodwork to where he deflected the shot.

In the qualifiers we seemed to have a team select. Once we qualified that plan was, it seems, thrown out of the window. However on form Joe Hart should be in front of the sticks, on experience and because he can be more a hero than a clown James should be number 1. Green should get the next plane home. He has cost us 2 points, he and he alone. He should also take his West Ham colleague Upson with him, both of them got West Ham where they are today, scrapping survivors of a relegation battle.

So, like any England fanatical supporter born out of patriotism, yes I question team and squad selection and logic. Yes, take off Milner who had been ill and was having a torrid 30 minutes against the USA advancing right. But, why bring on a right sided Wright Phillips to patrol the left. Also, as hard working and grafting as Heskey is, he cannot score goals, not with his head or his feet. He is a striker who cannot score goals, so pick him for lay offs and assists, but that means one of your strikers will not score, that leaves only one other. My other player singled out for criticism is Lampard. He can do it week in week out for Chelsea, but when he puts on an England shirt, well his free kick in front of goal 2nd half was more worthy of Twickenham. The guy is just off target, that is his middle name.

Contrast Lampard’s contribution with Captain Courageous Gerrard, who was there covering every blade of grass making vital blocks in defence and scoring the early goal with a true penetrative run and class, that should have eased all our nerves and those of his team mates including Green. Stevie G led by example it’s a great pity most of his team mates could not see it, like the viewers could.

Football is a team game, USA showed us that in defence and midfield resilience and with a far superior goalkeeper from Everton. England did not have the craft or the class, world class, to unpick them again after Gerrard’s superb lift for his country.
Rooney was too short and too deep, crosses across the USA box were not met. The Crouch solution to that problem was 80 minutes too late, Capello take note.

In truth we do not have enough World Class players to win a World Class competition, only a handful of our players would feature in any world side. We are good at going forward down the flanks, especially the right, but we have no converters in the centre. Only Gerrard, Ashley Cole, Johnson and Terry can hold their heads high after that game. Lennon, Heskey, Rooney worked hard. Misses were plenty. 4 players playing really well out of 11 is not good enough and the result is a 1-1 draw against USA, not against Brazil, Argentina, Spain. No against USA.

If we are to improve and we must to succeed in this tournament for the 11th time in 44 years, Capello has to hit on a winning formula team selection, as Sir Alf Ramsey did.

He has a problem with the goalkeeper, midfield and strikers. His substitutions were dictated to him against the USA. Next time he will have to make 3 changes during the game if we cannot find the net again.

Gareth Barry if fit, should replace Lampard, and Joe Cole should be on the left. We need class on the grass. Up front Crouch should partner Rooney, with Defoe ready to come on for the last 20 minutes. Ramsey used to say to his engine room in Peters Ball and Charlton to burn themselves out and they did. We need a similar engine room. In Gerrard we have a start, Lennon needs to up the pace and confidence he had before injury for Spurs. Barry should steady midfield and it’s balance with his left foot in front of the back four. Joe Cole can wriggle his way through from the left, leaving Ashley Cole to forge down the line. Hopefully King’s knee will allow his return, and Hart should be given the job of keeping a clean sheet, because he is the form man with the non Teflon gloves.

Onward and Upward England. At least you did not lose, you could have. Let this be an eye opener Mr Copello, lessons to be learned, quickly and decisively.

as published on on BBC 606