Metabolism

Metabolism

It would have been my mum’s birthday today 2nd February. She died 19 years ago, six strokes in six months, it was merciful to her when she finally gave up, she had turned into a vegetable, so sad. Strange it does not seem like 19 years ago, long time. She was always anguished about me. When I broke my leg in football she was my first visitor. She had got to Tooting in SW London from Dereham in Norfolk via a Greenline bus changing at Victoria Bus Station. She was there before visiting time and before noon on a Sunday. I heard her voice as I lay there after the overnight operation, of course the nurses let her in, how could they resist, she would rattle on until they succumbed. It was only a broken leg, though both tibia and fibula were poking out of my right BBCTV football sock last time I had looked. But my mum showed remarkable conviction, determination and stubbornness, as well as complete bafflement to the listener, above and beyond the call of duty. She did so until the day she died, 74, RIP.

I was editing a BBCTV Watchdog programme that day, 29th of October 1991. Mum had keeled over and out of the nursing bed at 7.30 am in Norfolk, my Sister called me. By 9.30am I was in the edit suite at TV Centre, London and got an internal call from Sarah Caplin, the new editor, who everyone disliked, including me. She asked if I should be at work, she had found out my news. I answered in monotone and monosyllable. Strange how on that one occasion she showed a degree of compassion, which otherwise was never there, and the 6th floor had made her boss of a consumer programme fighting for people’s rights!!!

Memories, those were the days my friend, even though they came to an end.

I heard on the truck radio last week my song, a Russian song originally, sung by Mary Hopkins released 30 August 1968, ah yes the summer of 68…. Mini skirts and scooters, Mods and Rockers, life as we knew it, Jim, errr sorry, Allan…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyaTIXdN5fI

Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And dreamed of all the great things we would do

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Then the busy years went rushing by us
We lost our starry notions on the way
If by chance I'd see you in the tavern
We'd smile at one another and we'd say

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Just tonight I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Through the door there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name
Oh my friend we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts the dreams are still the same

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days.

Google and You Tube today help me recall and go back in time. Of course the lonely image in the mirror is a different gender of the same species. I see Dolly Parton did a cover version and is worth a look because she is a bit of a doll and so did Bonny Tyler, who lived in Willesden too, before we both made it and moved on!!

"Those Were the Days"[1] a song is credited to Gene Raskin, who put English lyrics to the Russian gypsy song "Dorogoi dlinnoyu" ("Дорогой длинною", lit. "By the long road"), written by Boris Fomin (1900-1948) with words by the poet Konstantin Podrevskii. It deals with reminiscence upon youth and romantic idealism. The first known recording of the song was by Alexander Vertinsky in the 1920s. The song is best remembered for Mary Hopkin's 1968 recording, which was a top-ten hit in both the U.S. and the U.K.

Of course 1968 was one of my formulative years, just attained my A levels, just lost my virginity to Kim who was 8 years older than me, and just started a real job, Trainee Trading Standards Officer in the London Borough of Brent NW10.

I was young, often to be seen in a Pub, though social only, I would dance the night away, I would fight and never contemplated losing. Now it’s just mirrors.

I always hated losing.

Football, tennis, cricket, darts, Scrabble, Monopoly, Risk, Subbuteo and worse of all ….. love.

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...

“You can’t win them all” they used to say, just watch me, was my response. But, you do come a cropper, hence the title of this chapter, “Metabolism”, written at 04.30 hours. Why so early, did you ask, in your sleep? Well I am not like Margaret Thatcher, needing only three and a half hours sleep with electrodes in her bath…stimulating huh ??!!.

No, last week I was a Blue Arrow Flexible Employee, official, I had the hand book to prove it. Flexible as a friend, though not as a credit card, I was behind a wheel of a rather long wheelbase truck, delivering to homes who had ordered furniture from a catalogue. Incidentally about 3 out of 10 preferred other flat pack wardrobes and beds. The flat packs were heavy, but obviously not appealing to the disappointing eye out of the cardboard box when compared to the magazine image. The Beds were carried in by one person, that light, huh. Wow, even the King Size!! So collections and deliveries, but there is no money (other than for me) in collections. I was temp and not to perm, whereas the salaried guys also worked 12 hours a day in London, Hertfordshire, Essex, Suffolk and Norfolk, for no overtime, but the promise of a bonus, if all 27 calls were made, the truck did not break down, all customers were in, and no one cancelled. Tall order huh, well if you were the boss, would you want to promise a bonus or pay it?? True , the trucks were brand new, and reliable, even the radio worked for Mary Hopkins courtesy of BBC Radio2. Though they did have an electronic automatic gearbox and needed pause for thought about forward or reverse, never mind, talk amongst yourselves while you hold up the traffic, manoeuvring.

So though it’s early now and not yet dawn, like jet lag, you get your pattern of sleep and wake disturbed. Up and not quite at them at 5am each day, pitch black when you arise for the bugle call !!

5:50 AM - Assembly of Trumpeters for Reveille [First Call] . The first signal for the soldiers to rise and shine. This call was historically sounded between 4:45 AM - and 6:00 AM - depending on the season. It bears a similarity to the French Cavalry call "La Garde a Vous."

6:00 AM - Reveille
Upon the last note of this call, the flag was raised, the morning gun fired and the men all had to assemble for morning roll call. It is the same as a French call which dates from the time of the Crusades.

So Since the Crusades, we have had to endure getting up tooooooooooooo early for some and certainly me, my brain and my bodily functions, pardon the expression, but you know what I mean. Trust the French to bugger it up again for the Brits.

In addition when you are at warp factor 60 years old, you need all the help you can get with bodily functions, there are no reconditioned units, and the mileage is high, with not many careful owners and a few missing service entries in the log book.

So, that was the week that was, last week, but Friday night the goal posts or the bull’s eyes were moved at ten to five and there is a change of agency. No more archers dressed in blue, It would seem. Hence the flexibility my friend.

However…….
my mental alarm clock has not registered the imposed change still, hence this prose about my metabolism, excuse me while I go to the loo.

Natural Break…….be back soon, stay tuned to this channel……

Listen to some music while I dash off….. (better than adverts!!)

aha-yeah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqYp1jpzKCk

I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius, you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a "knowitall"

Ohwooh, you think you're special
Ohwooh, you think you're something else

Ok, so you're a rocket scientist...

That don't impress me much!
So you got the brains, but have you got the touch?
(Now) Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much!

aha-yeah

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb up his sleeve, just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair ought'a lock it
'Cause Heaven prevent, it should fall outta place

Ohwooh, you think you're special
Ohwooh, you think you're something else

Ok, so you're Brad Pitt...

That don't impress me much!
So you got the looks but have you got the touch?
(Now) Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much!

You're one of those guys who likes to shine's machine
You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me, you must be joking, right??

Ohwooh, you think you're special
Ohwooh, you think you're something else

Ok, so you got a car...

That don't impress me much!
So you got the moves, but have you got the touch?
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
[..]
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold lonely night
That don't impress me much!

Ok, so what do you think... you're Elvis or something...
That don't impress me much!

Well that was a modern day Mary Hopkins. Shania Twain was a woman that made me feel like a man, amazing performer , I saw her live in Hyde Park, even though it has always been hard to impress me much.

So.....back to the plot...........

I was impressed much at first, see we all make mistakes, but then moving the archery range was not entirely their fault. I had been recruited with 19 hours of applying for a Total Job on line. "Quick huh", she said, "are you impressed at our efficiency", "well like an arrow, straight to the target" I responded, "oh you are sharp witted " she retorted.

And the week that was ? Well some of it could have made “Wheels” my sit com.

Do you know some people that have moved into brand new houses, and are therefore not on Sat Nav or in maps, do not know the main road to their residence. In fact I have known people who do not know the colour of their front door in a new build, with no street names and no numbers as yet. I guess they believe the TV commercials when washing machines are delivered from the Planet Zanussi by time warp through the ceiling….crrrrash!!

So, when they do not answer the phone or the message left on their phone, there is only one recourse. If you want to know the way ask a postman, they always know, as long as you are not far away and on another beat. But, late in the afternoon, one has to resort to asking a policeman. He doesn’t know, nor does his station, so he tries the lady again on the phone, like I had tried, this time she answers. “Is that Mrs Pretty, he asks, “this is PC 459 from Hertfordshire Constabulary, I have a few questions to ask you”, he said grinning. Now she has not got a video phone, so when I get to her house, I said “see what happens when you don’t return calls, next time you’ll get nicked!!” “Oh, scared the life out of me she said, I wondered, what I had done”.

Then there was my mate, in the cab helping me, one of the guys wishing he won the lottery, after all he had a better chance than getting his bonus. Nice man from Cameroon. But it was funny seeing him disappear up Lordship Lane looking for the house with the washing machine on his trolley, AFTER, I had parked directly opposite the house. Some mothers do have them, but I did run after him and get him back, after all my mother had me.

I do try to have a laugh with these customers. Though they probably are still thinking about was that a joke, even now. For instance, when you deliver an exercise bike or a treadmill, and they say put it by the patio doors, to which I say, “can’t do that…… this one is the 5 gear model, select over drive and you’ll go through the windows straight onto the lawn” Pause for Thought, exit stage right.

Sometimes you here them giggling as you are in 2nd gear leaving their road.

1.2.3 penny drop time.

And now I think it’s all over time, well it is now, 3 hours after I started, I think I will finish. Just for now of course…watch this space!!

Quote of the Week: admiration for Harry Redknapp Manager of “Come on you Spuuuurrrrs” after 2 nil defeat to Liverpool at Anfield - "I don't know why they disallowed Jermain's goal, I have never got anything from that Referee, Howard Webb, probably the 4 officials are still huddled together, consulting the rule book, to find a reason." Tell it as it is Harry.