The Medical:
There is enough material for a conference.
A customer offered us a cup of tea and use of her toilet the other day delivering. I gracefully declined. But she said she knew what it was like driving, cos her brother used to drive the buses. Weak bladder, yes I have, but these last 3 days I have gone 9 hours without a leak, blimey. Well there is no where to go. I prefer driving solo, ‘cos then you can go to McDonalds, but with misery guts it was not easy, so mind over matter.
I was told once by a GP that I had to change my lifestyle, eat better, take tablets and slow down. I said I could do one of those, which one he said, I said take the tablets.
Never mind I don’t get the excruciating spasm attacks of pain any more after the gall bladder removal, keyhole surgery in and out in 22 hours. They wake you up every hour cos the heart rate is so low they think you are dead, then they kick you out, “we need the bed” “oh thanks I’ll sit on the wall for a few hours convalescence and wait for a lift” cheers…………….NHS New Labour !!!.
Oh and don't have cameras put down your throat, bad idea, it takes 7 nurses to hold down a strapped down male under anaesthetic, who is choking, after which he says to the sister next time I water the garden with the garden hose I will remember you.
More diet hot tips: As well as can't eat fat, and cheese has lots of fat and I like cheese rolls. When I was at BBCTV one survived on coffee all day, long days. Moral of the story for future generations of Sharpe’s…………… eat and drink properly, it pays to look after your body. Don’t do what I did. If you don’t use it you lose it. And things can drop off in the night………….nasty.
And another NHS story 1991 under the Tories……… St Georges Tooting. After my last competitive football match 1991 when the game BBC v local Tooting side of hackers was abandoned after the centre half’s right leg went round like the hands on a clock after a tackle.
Yes I was carried off, not by an ambulance, they were on strike. Even the St Johns Ambulance Brigade made no show, but a green goddess with 2 bandsmen soldiers and a fabric stretcher. Being the injured party and being the only person on the muddy pitch that had done 1st aid (good old local government), I told the others what to do and strap my good leg to my busted leg. Harry had said, all right Allan, get up your ok…. “ Harry its broken look my bones are sticking out of my sock” “ Oh yes it is bad isn’t it he replied”. Good old Harry, our right winger, he brought 4 bottles of beer visiting time, just before the physio was to teach me crutches the use of. Ably assisted by my team mates kind thoughts, I sailed up and down the stairs, hic!!
Anyway I leap on, difficult with one leg, but how did I know they were bandsmen?? Well French horn emblems on sleeves are a clue. “Does this thing have a siren” the patient asked as we were stuck in a traffic jam that Saturday afternoon, “no, it has a bell”, “then can you ring it please before one of us dies”.
Surgery time …………….count backwards from ten, as you get to three, the anaesthetist says “what leg did he say it was”… “funneeeeeeeeee! Wake up to the Irish version of an angelic soothing calm voice of Florence Nightingale, who tells you who and where you are, it’s handy to know.
Then feeding time. A big fat mama with a trolley and a silver salver. Oh I could get used to this, uh uh, the lift comes off to reveal a pile of french beans, next day a pile of mash. Ok Miss how has this happened, well you ordered it, no, Mr Harris ordered it, Mr Harris has a sense of humour. Now read the name at the end of the bed, does SHARPE spell Harris………answer no, well what do you want then, well what have you got then, corned beef and chips, that will do, book it. Book em Danno Murder one.
Lastly, when nurse thinks its more important to have her cuppa than answer your bell call, don’t press the red button. The cardiac arrest team turns up and then Matron , who tells you off……………bossy boots slapped wrist, oh cant I have the spanked botty punishment Matron, no just behave………….spoil sport.
I,m H A P P Y, I am H A P P Y, I know I am I’m sure I am, I’m H A P P Y.
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